he was CRYING into my vagina
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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