You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
