My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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