I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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