HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
