I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
