Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
