Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
