I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
