My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
