i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
