Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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