No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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