I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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