I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
