she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
