Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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