I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
