You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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