the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
