You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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