I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
