When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
