I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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