Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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