I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
