I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
