the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
