hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
