Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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