The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
