He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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