I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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