apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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