she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
did i walk over a car last night?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
