i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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