Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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