haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
