I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
