She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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