and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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