i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
