mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
home. puking in laundry basket.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
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I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
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Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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