sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
