I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
