The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
