i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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