Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
