Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
