i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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