Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
