I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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