Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
