I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
