grandma shit on top of the toilet
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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