can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
This is the high leading the old right now
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize