I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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