Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
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You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We're too hungover to prance.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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