we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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